Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Bump It Hottie!

Ow,ow,ow,ow ow...Why do our own children bite us? Why? Really? Do I smell so irresistibly motherly of vanilla and cookies that my toddler can't resist but to take a bite? Oh, man that smarted! I even had to go in search of the Neosporin, because I was pretty sure that the skin was going to be broken and I would have to get out the Fisher Price first aid kit and get myself some serious plastic surgery.

That's her, the little one on the left right up there, looking all innocent and nice. And look at the other one up there with her mouth open all big, trying to scare me with her teeth. They are vicious I tell you!

But I couldn't find the Neosporin. Not because we don't have any, I know we do. I just couldn't find it under the pile of odd stuff I have in my bathroom. I don't know how I end up with this stuff really. I just can't resist. I didn't realize what a victim of TV infomercials I was until I started looking for this ointment.

I found my "Bump-its", that I have used once.
It was Bump-a-riffic I tell you. I am a sucker for pin-up hair and I couldn't resist but for my hair to stand a good six inches above my forehead, and I also wanted my driver's license to show another height other than Five-two. I'm also pretty sure it will come in handy after I finish buying my collection of evening gowns for my three year old and use them to give her "perfect pageant hair". And on that note...don't ever google toddler pageants, unless you are prepared to have your face twisted to a state of awfulness for all the mess they make these little girls go through. I say give them give them a Dora shirt and a crooked pony-tail and you are good to go!! Aqua-net never made anyone a better person in life!

Then I found my "Strap-Perfect", the nifty little plastic holder that helps conceal your bra straps when wearing halter tops and conveniently lifts your boobs right up to your eyeballs, should you have any insecurity about where they have fallen once you hit middle age. That thing is actually pretty good, except for the fact that I have to take a few more yoga classes so that I can one handedly put the thing on by myself with bra on, just like the commercial. That's okay, I'm having to work on my yoga anyways because I'm planning on stowing away in my kids lunchbox when she starts kindergarten, so I've got a few years to perfect my bra-strap adjusting and hiding in lunch box moves.

I had to step over my Shark Mop on the way to the closet where the medicine sometimes is. That sucker is pretty good. I know I begged for this one alone, just because I was up till two in the morning and saw all the fabulousness that it could behold. I stayed up dropping jelly and cereal on the floor until early morning and convinced my husband we must go out and buy it instantly. Although I'm not really sure if it was the Shark Mop that got the jelly off, because by the time we got home, I realized I forgot to kennel the two chihuahuas and one of them had taken a nap on the kitchen floor and got stuck. The other one was all in a panic and had gotten out the 300X power washer from the garage to try to get him unstuck (He was up watching TV with me that night). In the end we both got in trouble for staying up way too late and wasting the cereal and jelly, and making my husband buy appliances that we only use once in a blue moon. Oh well.

I did find the Neosporin. It was right next to my Slap-Chop...go figure.


  1. Hahahahahaha!! You know I love this post! You crack me up. Seriously. I was laughing through it all. I've heard so much about that Shark, by the way. Did they feature it in infomercials during Shark Week, you think?

  2. I desperately wanted to fit my kids with web cams when they started nursery, much easier than squeezing into the lunch box.

    Googling anything requires serious thought these days - it is a dangerous world. A while back I was trying to find out the name of a man who had been in the UK Big Brother for a blog post. I needed to find a picture so that I could get his name. This was where I made a big BIG mistake.

    In images I Googled 'big brother men'.
    Please I beg you - NEVER EVER DO THIS.

    Unless you have really good strict filtering enabled. I still have nightmares.

  3. Hi Came here from Kelly's Break Room.
    I have bump-its and actually like them quite a bit....well the big one, not sure whatthat tiny one is for? And the bra clips..I have those too. I haven't had much use for them yet but when I do I know I'll love them too. Is the shark mop any good? Do tell.

  4. I have to assume you haven't been writing lately because you've been tangled up in the "Strap-Perfect" gadget. Hysterical! My daughter had a fake ponytail that her aunt gave her and I have to say, I tried it on...and having a Madonna-like long pony tail on the top of my head was exciting. It didn't match the rest of my hair, but that just barely stopped me from wearing it to the grocery store.

  5. Glen!!! Ahhh haaa! Big brother men. I almost peed in my pee corner! How awful. Note to self..do not look that up!

    And I don't know what the tiny bump-it is for either? I bought another box to have another tiny one and glued both of them to my eyebrows for a mysterious night time look. I like it.

    A Madonna pony tail!! Why have I never thought of buying one of these. The best place to wear it would probably be to the grocery store, because they do play the best music in there. I could be swishing my pony around, while feeding my kids grapes I haven't payed for, and singing Lionel Richie. I love it already.