Thursday, May 6, 2010

Winner Winner Chicken Dinner

**The story I'm about to share is completely embarrassing and should only be read by those who are prepared to snicker and giggle at the author. The author is in no way responsible for any piddle that may happen in ones pants, nor is the author responsible for any chocolate milk that may shoot out of one's nose, or heaven forbid, Dr. Pepper.**

Woooooooordd up people. Can I get a big "What-What" for Mirah not being sick anymore!! Yayyy. That was awful. She got the flu! How do you get the flu in the spring?? I mean I know she likes to taste the grocery store shopping cart, but I gave her the Clorox wipe that they provide at the front of the store and immediately wash her face and tongue after she licks the cart handle. I mean that's what they are for right??

Anywho, she was illin' and had crazy high fever and had to make a trip out to the doc where they shoved culture swabs up her nose and in her throat. And man, they were fast, I was quite impressed. One minute they are asking her if Dora is hiding in her mouth, and the next the nurse has got her in some kind of weird one handed ninja head hold and sticks that sucker in the back of her throat and simultaneously swabs her nose....Whoaaa. It happened so fast it started going slow motion Matrix style...whoosh, whoosh, swab in throat...whoosh, whoosh, sit on her head, stick swab up her nose...whoosh, whoosh...Mirah gives her the crazy eye. I don't know who was more stunned, me or Mirah.

But we survived and made the trek home when Kris and I decided neither of us wanted to cook. Which really means he didn't want to cook, because I can't cook to save your life. Unless your life depends on mac and cheese and Stove Top Stuffing (ummmm stuffing). Soooo, we decide on some chicken tenders from Hartz.

Have you been to Hartz? I don't see many of them around but apparently the uniform is Christmas shirts and tight black pants. I ain't mad a you girl, you go with your Santa butt.

So we are driving and the Hartz is right on the corner by a stop light. I'm stopped there at the light and I see what I think is a tall kid practicing twirling rifles. I know this sounds strange, but at the high school that alot of my relatives went to, they have ROTC, where the Drill Team twirls these decorative rifles in all kind of unnatural ways, while in their military dress uniform and not smiling. It's quite bizarre really, because what army is really gonna come at you doing part step show, part twirling. I guess it could scare someone.

Okay, sorry, I'm getting carried away. tall kid twirling batons. So the light is red and I'm looking at this kid, and thinking..."Wow, good for him, he's practicing his ROTC...why does he have a head band with fake Star Trek ears on?"....Yes, I said it, STAR TREK EARS! They were somehow, taped or glued to this black sweat band he was wearing. Then, I pull in and get a closer look and the head band also has an antennae attached to it, with one of those little white Jack-In-the-Box heads attached to it. What in the hell?? The rest of the wardrobe was shiny dress shoes with black dress socks, like the old man uniform for mowing the lawn, white basketball shorts and a red shirt! Annnd it wasn't a boy! It was a man!

I know...crazy. The whole time we were in line (A looooooong time, because I got tenders confused with nuggets. Tenders are significantly bigger for future reference...oops) he is doing this Micheal Jackson, Barnum and Bailey Circus-ish kind of dance. He would throw that baton way up in the air and moon walk and clean out his Star Trek ears and shake his booty and then catch it. Mirah and I were mesmerized. He is on Hwy 6, close to West Oaks mall if you want to catch the show.

I was so mesmerized that while ordering the said tenders I got a little, teeny, tiny bit confused. I mean I thought tenders and nuggets were synonymous with each other. Aren't they the same size, pretty much, just one round and one jagged?

I'm in line trying to decide how many tenders will be enough for all of us. Kris is texting me telling me not to get cole slaw, because it's like cole slop and no one likes it. Valid point. So the options are "16 tenders, two sides and biscuits" or "24 tenders, three sides and biscuits".

Sixteen tenders? No, no, no, that will not nearly be enough. Kris can eat 10 nuggets in his sleep, and then all we will be left with is sides. Lets get 24. We will all get some, everyone will have their own bucket of side and some biscuits. We are serious about our sides in this family. "Don't you even think about reaching over and getting my mashed potatoes. You see my name written in black sharpie here on the side, don't you! Be quiet and drink your gravy!"

Okay, it's decided 24 tenders, three sides and some biscuits. Perfect. I was so distracted by Star Trek Baton boy that I didn't realize that we were waiting there for almost 20 minutes. I realized it when I heard the lady on the phone calling in some staff from home, to help bring out our food. The food was done and I see her walking towards the window with what looks like some giant Christmas present. Is this a theme? Santa shirts? Serving food in gift boxes? This must be some mistake. Oh my god!! It was the biscuits! There were 12 biscuits!! What are we gonna do with 12 biscuits. Oh, come the tenders!! I thought they were nugget sized! Nooooooooo, not the sides!!

After the food finally stopped coming, I ended up with a whole other passenger in the front seat of my car. I sat there looking at it sweating in the passenger seat, and contemplated putting a seat belt on it. I didn't, but I should have, because at the turn into the neighborhood I had to soccer mom it so it wouldn't fall off the seat. That's a sure sign that you got too much food when you have to soccer mom it. You know the soccer mom, when you put your hand over the person so they won't go forward.

Damn you tenders. I'm gonna be in trouble when I get home.

Needless to say, we had plenty of food, and I learned my lesson in differentiating a tender from a nugget. The biscuits are still hanging around. The girls have been using them wisely and are working on a solar system project right now. I'm hoping it will be done by Friday for show and tell.